Quarter Life Crisis

According to cdc.gov, the average life expectancy in the year 2004 for a white Caucasian male is about 77.8 years. Guess what. At 20.89 years of age I may be 26.7% done with life. That a little over one quarter. Maybe I'll live longer because my "quarter life crisis" hasn't quite sunk in yet. Well, maybe in a few ways its slowly hitting. I mean, I'm fairly happy with what I've done in life so far. For only having 1/4 of my run through, I think I'm doing alright. Especially if you figure the first 1/6 of your life you don't really think. I mean think think.
The more I think about it, the more it freaks me out. The future and stuff, I mean. Its like, with 74.3% of life remaining (at least, hopefully), what am I going to do? My major says I'll be sitting behind an back lit LCD screen punching keys and moving a mouse around to make some virtual machine do my bidding. Technically the companies bidding, I suppose. My heart says photography maybe. I'm really into film, I just feel like that might be a stretch.... but maybe someday. I mean seriously, photography is an obsession of mine. I analyze the lighting around me in idle time. I picture compositions and poses in my spare time. I am always trying to figure out the next step. Eh, this became more about me than I intended.
Back to the crisis.
So, as a twenty-something, I need to be figuring out what sort of impact I'm going to have on the rest of the world. I see amazing skyscrapers and think about the hands that made it. The sum of the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. This is a hard concept for someone who has such an individual mindset like me. I just want to be an artist. I want my contribution to be emotional impact. Emotional or intellectual. Or somewhere in the gray area between. I want my impact to... be.
So I wonder if this quarter life crisis is why so many people rush into marriage. It just dawned on me. Maybe people are like, oh crap, I gotta get a hurry on this life stuff. Bam, working 9-5 with three kids, a house in the suburbs, PTA, minivan... hell yeah, its the American dream. I swear, I'm not as cynical as I sound. I don't want to take life slow, by any means, I just don't want to rush either, and miss out.

Anyways, tonight I saw a documentary called "An Alternative to Slitting Your Wrist". It was about this man, Owen Lowery, who instead of killing himself, decides to make a list of things to do. He has 52 items, one for each week of a year. The movie follows him through the year, revealing much about his depression and mind set. Its amazing. It just was so much about hope. Its hard to say exactly what it was the effected me about this film, but it just gave me such a good feeling. Thanks Owen Lowery. In the movie he mentioned his quarter life crisis. I had never heard about it, so I decided I would blog it out.

Random Rant on Feb 19

Some days all I can think about is how little I have to complain about.
Some days all I can do is complain.
Some days are both.
weird... I know.

I'm really excited right now, about photography and life, and how they are merging constantly in my life. It seems to consume most of my free thought time. I am selling one lens, and buying a new one. I am sooo excited about this new one. Its a Nikkor 35-70 2.8 from the 90's in perfect condition. It does macro also. Oh man. I think it will be a great portrait lens. And just a great walk around lens. I didn't put my 24mm 2.8 to much use, but something with a low aperture and a zoom I think I could use as a good walk around lens, and especially for wedding things.

Oh man. Weddings. I mean, they're great. I love the happy people and shooting weddings is fun. I'm just curious about why everyone is in such a hurry? I guess, if you're ready then go for it. I think sometimes its just easy to get caught in the "progression". Ya know, its like everyone knows you go to preschool, kindergarten, elementary school, jr high, high school, college, then you get married and get a job and have kids. Big jump, I know, but that just seems like we have to separate our lives into step by step adventures. It seems a bit scripted, but maybe its just me. Life isn't one size fits all. Maybe its one size fits most.

I mean, if you're ready for all that, that is awesome. And if you need a photographer, contact me. :)

It might be a little late for a fall picture, as spring is just around the corner, I just like this picture.

Home?

Man... it was a weird day at my church. I was there for a friends wedding party. It was really cool to see a lot of people that I hadn't seen in a really long time. There were a couple people that I really wanted to catch up with. Those people, I would say, "Hey, how are you doing" and we would talk about me in school and stuff that was fairly mindless and then they would say, "well, it was good to see you, tell your parents I said hi". And it seemed to cut like a knife. "Nice talking to you too... I guess" I replied in my mind. Ugh.... it was just really frustrating knowing that these people who have been major players in my life just would rather not engage. I mean, honestly, they weren't going anywhere. They were sitting there and remained sitting there. Its weird feeling out of place in a place you have always thought of as a place of comfort. And honestly, there are a select number of people who totally make me feel at home there, but for all I've poured out into one thing... its weird feeling temporary. Or over. Moved on. I mean, yeah, I went back to school and resumed my thing there, but I just feel totally out of place. I've lost my place.
I love my church in Lee's Summit. I really do. They've shaped me so much. I love my church in Columbia. They've shaped me so much too. I guess its hard to exist in two different places, and I don't expect to... but at the same time, its hard to feel so... done?

Lets try it again.

Well, I guess I'm trying my hand at this blog thing again. I gave up my xanga about two summers ago, so it has been a while. This whole concept is a little weird for me, its something I've struggled to be totally comfortable with, but oh well. Sometimes its easier for me to write down my things on paper and pen, but more often my mind needs something that will allow the words to flow out a little quicker.
Strange how I feel like I need to explain myself in order to blog. Or at least explain why I'm going to blog. Probably because of the way I feel about them. Or because I know how people feel about them... or the people who write them.
I think I will use this mostly for photography related issues. We'll see though.

Bloggy

I'm not real sure whats going on